Last night was horrible. I got offline thinking I would get tired and sleep like usual but no matter what I did I just felt more and more miserable. I was coughing, sneezing and wanted to throw up. I wanted to soak in a warm bath because I pulled my back sneezing and my throat stung but didn't want to wake anyone. Eventually I managed to calm down and get some sleep with the help of gulps of pepto bismol and tylenol. Less than 5 hours later I had to be up to take Travis to class only to find out less than 10 minutes before we were going to leave my mom would call and offer. I yelled and hung up then called back and said fine and she said fine and hung up. I apologized for this later on.

I went back to bed and had to drag myself out. Contrary to my horrible night my first part of the day was to see Fossey McFuckup and it ended up being the nicest appointment ever. The secretary was nice to me. he was nice and laughed with me. We decided not to change anything. I could be wrong.. maybe he was having a nice day.. but it felt like he was happy to hear a patient say "To be honest I am having some troubles but I have thought about it and chosen to work through the problems and not rely on medication or you to make a magic fix." He probably gets dozens... hundreds over time of patients whining about tiny problems wanting a magic fix in pill form. I wanted to lessen the medications. I ask questions about the medication like the difference in Wellbutrin SR vs XL. I go to therapy and make choices there before I go whining to him. I am honest when I say last night I had insomnia but it was rare. Yes, I have weird dreams but I can handle them. My therapist and I have been discussing the OCD and how it's a transfer of energy from not cutting myself anymore. Bluntly telling a psychiatrist you were a cutter without him asking and then admitting even a year later you're working with more problems is something new.

On the way back I called my mom and apologized. I went home and thought of all the things that could be done and decided to go shopping with some gift cards I found instead. First we went to Bed Bath and Beyond. I got a curtain ordered (nothing in the store that would work) and a curtain rod for the scond bedrooms half bath window. I bought this cool device for cutting open a cupcake to insert filling since I had done cupcakes with filling in Florida and cutting it by hand is hard. Mostly I was thrilled to find a true wood rolling pin and rolling mat just like my moms. She's had them my whole life and we did all baking with them but I couldn't find either ever since I got my own kitchen. Then in the same center was a Best Buy. I bought Mario Party 9, a Korn CD and some Flipz. I bought some allergy medication on the way back.

The evening was nice. The allergy meds helped a lot. We played two games of Mario Party 9 one with computers and one just us. I lost by just one star/point the second game. Then The Big Bang Theory and Chopped. Now I plan on seeing how far I can get in The Juggernaut card because I'm ready to be done with it. In other updates...

-No medication changes. Weird dreams, random insomnia on a rare occasion and easily slipping into mood swings are workable. My whole outlook on how to treat bipolar has changed. I don't want to take more medication than I have to. Dr. Gary and Shawn are the key to the changes I have made. Dr. Gary gives me knowledge, wisdom and insight into who I am. Shawn supports me and loves me allowing me to take chances and have someone helping me get up when I fall. I love them both... Dr. Gary as the cheerful grandfather I never had and Shawn as my long distance husband for life.

-JT and I talk via email frequently. We're happy to hear from one another and open up about work and personal life. I think it's a sure thing one day we will be able to spend time together and regain a true friendship just with the space we always required. In a perfect world I will one day live in this house with Shawn and we will invite JT and Sam over for nerdy couple play dates. JT and I will craft together again and we will all enjoy video games and the company of other people with brains. It's a dream for the future involving JT... I never thought I'd have that again.

-My room is complete. The curtains finished it off. I spend a good chunk of time reading Duma Key in my big reading chair under the sun lamp. I get lost there...

-Chai has disappeared. Odd got a new house and he is already destroying it. Boo just killed his ball and is impossible to house train. Oh well. I love pets but they are a lot of work...

In 8 days I will be in Shawn's arms. The final proof of my change. To actually show up there as the self I have worked so hard to get back. The closest to the girl who talked to him for so many years. Let go of the past and just embrace the the present. Make love to the man I fell in love with.. fall in love all over again. I just want happiness without trying and I believe that's what I have worked for and will have.

Cheers World.

I debated yet again on what blog to write in because I have not written a blog anywhere in quite some time. I decided to write it here for better or for worse.

Sometimes I find I want to wipe myself off like a clean slate. Since that's impossible I settle for removing the last of the nail polish from my fingers. The only reason anyone would want to start fresh is if they have a past they are not proud of. That fits me. I knew today would be bad and it was... I fought and came close to crying on multiple occasions. In the end, I found myself curled up in bed staring at the scar on my arm as it slowly goes from a deep red gash to a thickened pale ridge. It begins to match the scars of my left wrist from near the hand and traveling downwards. I pray for it to heal. I pray for it to fade. I pray to have it removed. I wish it had never happened.

The love of my life said he couldn't live here because he was not welcomed. I don't know how much I can change things. I miss JT. I could talk to her about the past.. I could spend time with her from a distance. I could laugh with her. I could go upstairs and not worry about her feeling abandoned. But that's just another inch to the line on my wrist. A cut that will take time to heal and perhaps never fade. I feel imprisoned a good deal of the time. Moments I feel I should spread out good thoughts... photos and notes in frames around the house of good memories and try to make this home welcome my past. Then other times I want to hoard everything in my room and hide like am embryo in a shell.. a self contained living form.. Perhaps that's why I want to be reborn as a tapeworm.

I have begun trying to work in the studio. It feels like I'm being choked to death when I'm in there so I have to keep the doors open. I put on the cd player to a radio station and have been building a new and improved house for Odd. But, it's hot and the air is stale. I feel like I could open all the vents, plug in a dozen fans and the walls would still choke me. That room has been butchered in my mind possibly more than any other room. A craft room... a nursery... a guest room... a studio.. it's just purple walls and wood floor with stuff in it. Rooms used to have life. So much life I could paint trees in the corner right on the wall. But, I have not felt that freedom since JT and I moved into the second apartment. The last home of dreams I had.

Dreams are a dear yet fickle proposition. They tell you that you must have dreams and goals but they are not the same thing. Dreams should always remain unattainable. Nothing good ever comes with living a dream. It fades, get's used, isn't as good as expected, ends... dreams should stay in a persons mind. JT gave me many many dreams and they changed with each season but they were dreams that brought laughter. Dreams should make you smile.. make your mind drift... dreams are the world of the young and regret is the world of the elders. When you have more of the second than the first then you know your life is slipping away from you. As time has gone on my dreams no longer burn like great bonfires of inspiration and aspiration. They are tiny flames that blow out easily or refuse to really light. The days of asking what I want to be and having it be a game that was fun and full of choices is now a curse and every time someone asks me a faerie in my heart dies... an ember grows colder..

I miss my dreams. I don't think I was capable of having them for years until JT and then when she left she took the dreams with her. Maybe I gave up too much of my "right brain" so that I would be a better student. So that I could mature enough to live alone. To please my father. I have ideas and imagination.. yet can never seem to come up with a dream for myself except brief moments when I'm outside on the swing in the darkness and for just a few minutes I can dream.. real dreams... things like performing the perfect solo on stage in an empty theatre only to find someone was watching and they cheer. I dance in the park on the playground. I can fly into a world of romance anywhere and suddenly look and feel the way I know I'm not. I can think of new stories... other characters.. new worlds..

When I was younger and spent most of the day roleplaying I would spend hours on the swing imagining the world of my character Sabrina. I didn't have music then and it was a regular swing so eventually my legs grew sore but each time I came back I could start up where I left off and the story was magical... if I liked a part I could imagine the scene all over again. Perhaps my whole life I have used her as a role model. She embodies every character I have ever admired or saw myself in. Perhaps it is that she was simple enough to be almost possible and yet too amazing to be real. What was really so amazing and unattainable physically? Her breasts weren't huge... she had pale skin.. long blond hair.. usually she didn't bother with wings or magic. She had purple eyes... not a big deal. But she was fearless, clever, quick, funny, sexy, smart and she brought out what men searched for in their imaginations. They could be the saviors with swords or spellcraft with long dark hair, armor and cloaks. They could save the day and win the affection of the girl... my girl... me.

I realize it's just a moment... it will pass and I will go on. A tiny part of me wonders if this isn't a depression but rather a realistic outlook. Maybe I'm not overreacting but rather telling the truth. I guess I'll never know.

That ends tonights inner search... now I go back to the world where emotions like loneliness must be brushed aside and days are filled with lists and projects. Days in the yard in the sun weeding, painting and collecting.. reading and speaking.. so many many many things.

I hate my life.

JT should be moved out now. My dad texted her and she said the weather let up enough for the move to go as planned today.

Corey called me and texted me last night apparently needing to talk to someone. I feel a small bit of guilt but being close to Shawn again is worth a bit of guilt. Shawn is the important person... he makes me feel important... we need each other before worrying about my freshman from my past. I can't always be there for everyone but I can do my best to be there for Shawn always.. everyone else on this Earth can wait.

I've been watching Sailor Moon. It's cute and fills some gaps in my time and brain. Sometimes I even come close to relaxing. But, it's not like when I was addicted to Shugo Chara. I keep it in a small screen and check my IM with Shawn before watching the episode always. True.. Shugo Chara is a more badass anime and is probably my favorite now but Shugo Chara was the first sign I was pushing away my life and trying to feel alone... alone enough to do stupid shit... Idiot.

No more bad mouthing myself though... here is some good news..

We went to the beach today and my parents left but I stayed. Travis had to run after Boo so I had some time to just stand and watch the sunset... then the stars come out... I did my prayers and called the four quarters. Blessed myself on this Ostara and asked for strength to be able to face myself without pain. No more harm... only good. Oh if only I could stand with my feet in the waves and my hair full of sand to watch the sun and stars every day... maybe I wouldn't lose touch of myself... I feel so much more... pagan here. And the more in touch with my pagan side I get the happier I seem to be. Tomorrow I'm cooking. OMG. Well.. today. I'm asking for guidance from the world around me... enjoying the wind... yes maybe I am still locking away the pain but.. I can still feel happy and content and maybe that's whats happening. maybe I'm not storing the pain. Maybe it's like I'm holding my hand over my mouth till it passes and I won't scream. I don't know if I could have spent the afternoon loving the wind and waves and dreaming of a future while my life moved out of my house at home if I didn't have that wall.

Anyway... a touch of myself returning... bit by bit... a few things I do know as I've been thinking today.. good things about myself..

I see beauty in nature... mystery in the twilight.. magick in the world... and I share it with others.

My favorite thing to do in this world is make people laugh. My second favorite is to laugh with them. My third favorite to laugh when I'm alone. The fact that other people laughing is my first makes me a good person... I didn't force that I just realized as I was telling jokes today that I prefer telling them. I make my mom laugh so hard she almost drowned in her cereal. My dad loved a joke so much he asked me to email it to him because he had a list of people he knew who would love it like he did. I made Shawn laugh last night... I laughed with him.. I was blessed with a sense of humor that has grown and changed with me but I have never lost it. Sharing it... making people laugh... especially those I love.. it is the greatest feeling in the world. Surely if making others happy is my greatest joy to this day I must have the big heart Erin's dad told me about that night we swam in the rainfall under a street lamp. That night we dug up old poetry on yellow paper and I wrote under the light of the TV my own poetry. That heart must still be there. Not the broken sewn up cracked black heart I thought... maybe hearts don't really break.. or scar for good. Maybe my heart is as full of life as it was. Rather than some hunk of flesh like my skin it's a light that fades and brightens as my life goes on... but now it's bright again.

I think the reason I like being pagan is because every single tradition.. holiday... moon phase.. it's about being new. I was looking to the East thinking of my element: air. East is the direction of starting... the beginning of the day as the sun rises.. beginning of night as the moon rises.. East is a place to look before you start and pick up again when something has ended. My element of air is all around... free... air is about freedom... about moving about the world and sharing with the other elements... flight... vastness... my element is pointing me in the direction of freedom.. flight... and the way I can turn to see the golden sun rise or the dim yellow moon rise... I found the golden eagle. When I get home I can take it off my desk.. I understand now. I AM the golden eagle. I AM freedom and strength and independence and beauty and golden dawn. I am whole. I am complete. I do have the right to love... I have the right to love myself.

JT left yes... many others will too. But, I chose a religion based on beginnings and I have a soul mate who has from day one told me to move on or see past the bad... a bad day... "Hold On" by Wilson Phillips states if you hold on for one more day things will be different. It's the message that has saved me from suicide.. from breakups.. I live on it now.

I will hold on for one more day... letting go of a night alone... to be ready to spread my golden wings and fly when the new day comes.

Blessed be world. ^.~

I should be asleep but since I only took half of my medications I have a little bit of time before I delve into my meager 5 hours of sleep which will be made up for on Tuesday. Since things have become as stressed as possible I decided to take the chance to write all the signs that I'm stressed. I'd like to do it in order of more and more but the best I can do now is just list them.

-I am an OCD usually for obsessing over things like guilt for not calling my mother back or feeding the rabbit therefore I'm a bad person. When I am stressed I get the compulsions as well. The house is beyond clean. I see a bottle of carpet stain remover on my mantle and can't focus on the TV because it's just way too annoying. I get specific about how things are done like laundry... I go to put a hair pin away and end up spending an hour sorting every hair piece I have into the bags and places they belong.

-Appetite is inconsistent. Basically, I forget to eat for long amounts of time then become starving when i realize it but when food is placed in front of me there is a 75% chance I won't want it. I won't cook. I don't feel like eating anything from home. All suggestions sound disgusting and yet I am starving so badly I would really eat any food substance given to me. I went a day avoiding warm meals and then ate an entire package of 8 puddings in a row till I was sick. Half of them just standing in the kitchen without a spoon.

-Immune System Threatened Internally. I always get sick with something either during or after my time of stress. My body uses up energy for blocking colds, flus, infections to stay awake longer. I don't give my body adequete time to heal so small problems become huge problems.

-Immune System Threatened Externally. I have one place on the other side of my elbow on my left arm where I get ringworm. I "heal" it with creams but it reappears at times of great stress. Usually once a year or once every two years. It starts barely visible and becomes so dark and apparent I have to hide it. I get headaches, dizziness, double vision, fuzzy vision.

-Voices tend to become louder. Since I can't avoid them I have a habit of always doing my laundry when I'm stressed. I can't put laundry away alone. I end up crying as each shirt placed on a hanger allows 5 voices to say 20 things that usually hurt or are not what I need to hear.

-Avoidance. I will avoid people, places and reality if that is what it takes to help my mind survive what's going on. I won't leave the house... I do a lot of sitting on stairs if they're available, hallways, under tables, in fireplaces... I like to hide. I hide from everyone as if hiding will stop time.

The last I can think of are obvious... nightmares, picking at my skin till I bleed, getting moody and snapping at people without warning, extreme ADD with some things and then hyper focusing on others.

Sleep now.. may edit later.

I have always hated terms with no real definition...

When someone responds with "Whatever" I immediately insert a definition to the word just as anyone else would with any other word. The problem is my definition does not exist and therefore is merely what I have created so-

Me: "What do you think?

Them: "Whatever" (( AKA. By the way you just said something I didn't bother to listen to because I am so disrespectful, rude and idiotic that the mere brain cell net requirement of understanding your words and creating a verbal response didn't seem profitable in comparison to your self esteem or time.))

This has led to many problems...

My new overused and unidentified phrase that fills me with hatred is "Hanging Out" What the Hell does that even mean? Humans are incapable of hanging as we have evolved away any use of tail or talons that would enable us to adhere to a branch or perch for any prolonged amount of time. I also don't understand why the use of "out" is used when it almost always assumed you will be indoors and probably in the same place as when you used the phrase to define your future activities. Various definitions have been given and I have proven them all wrong within seconds and so it is now coming to the same problem as "Whatever"

Me: "What would you like to do?"

Them: "I dunno, guess we'll just hang out." ((AKA I don't fucking give a shit what we do. From here you may take multiple approaches but here are some possibilities.... To the optimist or romantic this is defined as "I don't fucking give a shit what we do as long as its with you." To the parents of the rebellious teenager it is defined as "I don't fucking give a shit I'm just waiting for my license so I can "hang out" anywhere but here." To someone meeting someone new or from deep in your past it means "I don't fucking give a shit so screw what to wear, food availability, shared interests or motivation to clean or prepare transportation." This should be nice in knowing they simply want my company but it's fucking irritating anyway.

But, this isn't the purpose of my journal. The purpose of my journal is that the day I read a mini lecture on Aristotle's "Poetics" where I say he goes through the trouble of logically explaining the definition of a tragedy because he has too much free time is the day a quote from one of my greatest friends meets with one of the few true beliefs I have left in this world.

Rachel once defined a true friend as "When you match eyes with them and so many good thoughts, memories, inside jokes and warm feelings come instantly that you laugh without knowing why." This definition has remained true throughout my lifetime and has lead me to a new definition...

In my depression and bad health I have held onto one truth desperately.. That Shawn is my Soul Mate and because I have found him and we both know what we are my future can only be better than anything I experience now while we are apart. I know we will not run into the troubles of learning to be annoyed or hate someone once you spend every waking moment with them because for years even before we became a couple or he even considered the idea or I considered he would consider the idea we've known we'd give almost anything to be stuck together anywhere...If I must be stuck on an island with only one person I knew I would choose him the moment I first said "Hello" till now. No matter the asshole I dated nor the time spent apart he has remained the core of my truth. But, even though "Love" lost it's ability to truly express my feeling's and we were unable to create a new term I can finally give a definition for another term: Soul Mates.

I thought Soul Mate's could feel the pain or joy of their other half instantly. I thought they would fall in love the moment they met. I thought they would feel like puzzle pieces matched together. These have all been proven correct on various occasions but that is not what I have chosen.

Soul Mate: "The one other human being on the planet that touches your soul so deeply and holds your heart so fondly that no matter what the past has dealt or the future may hold at the present you are happy just because you are with them in some way."

I could be in tears, I could be alone, I could be terrified, I could feel helpless and yet the one soul on this Earth who has stated "I wish I could do something" more often than Stephen Hawking has stated "Why is this so hard for you to understand?" is the one person who in the end will always guide me to peace. It may come when my tears finally stop or when I feel true laughter for the first time in days but somehow no matter what if I reach out to Shawn and stay just to talk or hold him or hear him say my name I will feel true peace and remember what it feels like to be happy even if it's only for a phone call or an hour or two online I know that because he is my Soul Mate he will always have my soul and my heart and steer me towards joy usually without even realizing he's doing it.

In conclusion, Screw you "Whatever and to Hell with you "Hang Out" I am in love with my Soul Mate.

PS: I have inserted a variety of clever jokes in this xanga specifically to increase maximum smiling capability as well as the chance of laughter if not for the ever so subtle chuckle you are so keen to use in conversation. So, you better be smiling Grumpy Bear or I'll have to hang out with you so we can whatever."